Unspoken Rules

--Peter [from Denmark] & Shanie [from USA] Hinge


If you think the cultures of Northern Europe and America are close, think again. We were young and in love, and received quite a wake up call as the reality of the vast differences of our cultures began to set in. Being in a cross-cultural marriage is thrilling and fulfilling, but it does come at a price.

I was born in Copenhagen, Denmark and raised in a traditional Christian home. My wife Shanie was born in small-town Shelton in Washington State, USA. We met on our DTS in Papua New Guinea in 1987. Some amazing statistics came out of this school, as two-thirds of the students married each other and the last third ended up in prison. In case you're wondering, our DTS consisted of three students! We've worked with YWAM ever since and have three daughters aged 16, 15 and 10 who have been raised in a third culture, in Hungary.

Language was definitely an obstacle as I spoke little English when we first met and being from Scandinavia I had a different view on modesty. Walking around the YWAM base in my underwear wasn't exactly a good first impression. When Shanie told me I was unique, I was very offended because I thought she called me a eunuch! I do think most of our arguments and frustrations have been based in misunderstandings; we're not hearing what the other is actually trying to say, or we interpret it based on our limited understanding of the other's language and culture. With English not being my mother tongue, I often misunderstood Shanie's intentions because I didn't grasp the true meaning of a word or phrase, or didn't know how a slightly different tone of voice can change its meaning.

In Denmark, there are millions of unspoken rules. Always hearing my mother say "we don't do that in Denmark" was overwhelming for Shanie at times. She felt she didn't know who she was anymore because she couldn't do anything right. Americans, with their 300 million citizens and lots of ethnic diversity, are more used to people thinking and living differently, where we Danes, a small nation with much less diversity, like to do things the way we've been doing them for the past thousand years. Shanie was also shocked by the direct confrontational approach of my family and friends, who would just say what they thought without considering how she might feel. Over time, our Danish family and friends have actually adopted many of her ideas, which they originally rejected. My mother now tells me I couldn't have chosen a better wife...and I'd have to agree with her!

--Peter Hinge is the director of King's Kids for Central and Eastern Europe


International YWAMer, June-Sept 2006. Topics: