Marrying Across Cultures

YWAM love story 1, YWAM love story 2, YWAM love story 3

Seven suggestions for cross-cultural couples - by Larry Ballard

What do you get when you mix thousands of single young people from over 130 different nations into a global missions movement? A lot of cross-cultural marriages! God, who loves diversity, has blessed YWAM with many cross-cultural marriages that are healthy and satisfying.

Most people assume cross-cultural marriages contain many pitfalls and difficulties. In fact, one YWAM leader who had seen too many cross-cultural relationships end in disaster said that such marriages should be banned in YWAM! Another YWAM leader told one of his staff members from a developed nation that if she married a certain YWAM leader from a developing nation, she would "end up living in a cardboard box under a bridge," even though this man was an established national leader in his country, was well-educated, and had worked professionally prior to joining YWAM.

However, a cross-cultural marriage, in the words of one couple, "broadens you as a person, brings into your life the richness and diversity of another culture, and helps you to identify some of your own cultural bondages." Another couple stated that their children "grew up bilingual, had the option of living in more than one culture, and are comfortable in any situation." "Being able to celebrate traditions from both cultures," was another benefit stated by a different cross-cultural couple.

In one sense, every marriage is cross-cultural, since we all come from different families of origin with a variety of values and beliefs. Thus, two people may have grown up in the same village, spoken the same language, attended the same school, and yet have very different beliefs and values. However, YWAM has a high percentage of couples that come from cultures that are significantly different from each other. The greater the distance between the cultures of the couple, the more diverse the cultural expectations regarding marriage will be. Thus an Anglo-American marriage or a Dutch-Swiss marriage will probably have fewer misunderstandings and major adjustments than a Chinese-Nigerian marriage.

These diverse cross-cultural marriages will encounter some unique challenges and require lots of understanding, communication, patience and grace. "Understanding takes the longest," said one couple, "and in a cross-cultural marriage you have to work twice as hard at understanding one another." Proverbs 4:7 says, "Whatever you get, get understanding." James 1:19 counsels, "Be slow to speak and quick to listen." According to one couple, "When something strikes you as odd or your partner's behavior seems confusing, be slow to make judgments or draw conclusions. Instead, ask your partner to explain why they are responding in a certain way."

Another cross-cultural YWAM couple said, "You must be willing to change. You need to have your identity anchored in the Lord and not in your culture for the marriage to succeed. If you have issues with your culture, are running away from your culture, or are holding on too tightly to your culture, these factors hinder your ability to develop intimacy in your marriage."


Issues and Challenges:

Different assumptions and expectations. Couples that enter a cross-cultural marriage bring into their relationship vastly different assumptions and expectations about marriage and family life. Many of these assumptions flow out of the values, unspoken rules and belief systems that permeate their primary cultures. These unspoken values have become so much a part of their lives that they are almost hidden from view. In fact, many of these cultural differences do not surface until after a couple starts planning their wedding, encounters a significant crisis, has their first child, or relocates to a different culture.

Planning a wedding together forces a bride and groom to consider what traditions they will incorporate into their ceremony. Once married, a crisis may cause one or both of them to revert back to the behavioral patterns they developed as they grew up. The arrival of children into their marriage brings up the issue of education, religious orientation, the language children will learn, and the role of the extended family in the lives of the children. If a couple meets each other and develops their relationship in the woman's culture, for example, and then, at a future date, moves to the man's culture, they may encounter issues they never knew existed previously.

Cultural heritage forms our view of what we consider normal and familiar. For Christians, it also affects our interpretation of biblical truth. We often view Bible passages through the grid of our cultural eyeglasses. Thus, when we encounter something outside our culture that appears different and unfamiliar, we can wrongly assume that this unfamiliar belief or behavior is wrong or unscriptural. It can be shocking for a newly married person to discover that her partner (who loves the Lord, believes the Bible and is a YWAM staff member), has a very different understanding of male/female roles, child discipline, decision making, financial stewardship, and extended family commitments than she has.

One couple spoke of the conflicts they encountered due to the fact that, in his culture, women handled all the finances for the family, while in hers, it was expected that the men managed that area. Another wife said, "I didn't feel like a woman," when her husband did the shopping and took care of most of the cooking. Yet another woman spoke of her struggle relating to her husband's family who expected them to be at their house every Sunday, spending the day with all the other extended family members. She saw his family as intrusive and enmeshed. She felt they were negative and critical of other people, since they spent much of their time talking about people outside the family.

Her husband could not understand why she was so upset and wondered why she resisted spending time building close relationships with his family. He didn't view his family's conversations as negative or critical. Rather, he saw his family as caring, concerned, and open. He, on the other hand, was uncomfortable in her family since they hardly spoke a word to one another during those rare occasions when they did get together.


Extended Family Issues

Nothing seems to affect cross-cultural marriages more deeply than a husband and wife's relationships with each other's extended families. "Understanding the family values and beliefs of each other's families is critical," said one couple. One wife was shocked to learn that her mother-in-law expected to move in with them for 30 days prior to the birth of their first child in order to run the household and care for the new grandchild. Some families expect their son or daughter to work and send money back home to support the extended family living in a developing country. Other families expect the oldest son to care for his parents in their latter years and to allow his mother to live with him and his family should his father die.

If couples have not faced these issues or understood them prior to their marriage, enormous misunderstandings and conflicts can surface when these family expectations begin to surface. A man, for example, might not be able to understand why his wife is so unwilling to accept something that everyone in his culture accepts as right and normal. A woman, on the other hand, might be horrified when her husband expects her to endure certain impositions in her life that seem unreasonable and unfair.

Husband/wife loyalties can often come into conflict with parent/child loyalties when some of these extended family expectations emerge. Some cultures place a higher value on parent/child loyalties than they do on husband/wife loyalties. In such a cross-cultural marriage, the couple may be surprised to find out that their understanding of Genesis 2:24 is not the same. They individually approach the issue of leaving father and mother on the basis of different values and different models learned from their own families.


Recommendations for cross-cultural couples

1. Consider the cost

Jesus warned us in Luke 14 to consider the cost of following Him. We need to make sure we are prepared to persevere to the end. Many people start well, but don't finish well. Entering into a cross-cultural marriage is a life-changing decision, and there are special challenges associated with such a relationship. "Most couples do not take enough time preparing for a cross-cultural marriage," said one couple who had waited two years before they were married. Another young couple from different cultures met on a King's Kids outreach and were immediately attracted to each other. They sought the Lord, began a relationship, and within four months of meeting each other got married. "If we had it to do over, we would take more time getting to know each other and each other's families," they said. "It would have made our adjustment into marriage much easier if we had waited at least a year."

2. Think long-term

Take your time; don't be hasty! Make sure of your guidance and seek counsel from others. Make sure you have thought through the implications of a life-long union to this person. Ask the hard questions. Don't assume that just because you both love the Lord, are YWAMers, and are called to missions that everything will work out fine. Consider the implications of moving to your partner's culture in the future or the implications of leaving YWAM in the future. Are you prepared to learn your partner's language and raise your children in close proximity to his extended family? Such a possibility may seem very remote at the present moment, but things change over time and you might find yourself facing a situation you didn't anticipate.


3. Spend time with each other's family and in each other's culture

Make sure you have a love and respect for your partner's culture. Live in each other's culture long enough in order to pick up some of the unspoken values of that culture. Observe how your partner's parents treat each other. Their interaction will give you insights into what you can expect from your partner after you are married. It is also important to see how your partner behaves in her own culture. She may treat you very differently when she is with her own people than she does when she is living outside her culture. Remember, when you marry someone, you don't just marry the person, you marry their family and their culture!


4. Get some premarital counseling

Talk to other couples in cross-cultural marriages. Ask them to tell you their story. Find out what challenges they faced. Seek out their advice and see what recommendations they may have for you. Ask the Lord to give you a mentor couple that understands cross-cultural issues and spend time with them, examining the issues that concern you. Read books. Listen to tapes. Attend seminars. Utilize every possible resource you can find to help get your marriage off to a good start.

5. Be accountable and confirm the Word of the Lord

Don't let your emotions run away with you. "Most couples marry a fantasy and not a real person," said a couple with a 20-year cross-cultural marriage. "They fantasize about having children with blue eyes or they dream about the excitement of finding a partner with features distinctive from their own culture." Listen to the counsel and input of those who know you best: your parents, YWAM leaders, your pastor, mentors and close friends. What do they see? What are they saying? Are they voicing cautions or concerns to you? These people provide some much-needed objective feedback regarding this decision that is going to affect the rest of your life.

6. Make sure you have a common "heart language"

Marriage is the most intimate human relationship in life. You both have to be fluent enough in one of your native tongues or else in a third language to be able to express your deepest thoughts, emotions and heart's desires to one another. If there is no common "heart language," your marriage will suffer and you will have difficulty understanding each other and maintaining your intimacy.


7. Discover and celebrate your cultural differences

Diversity is one of the joys of a cross-cultural marriage. "Our differences have enriched us and broadened our lives," said one couple. The weaknesses in your culture can be balanced by the strengths in your partner's culture. No culture is perfect and without flaw, and each culture has a deposit of precious treasures. If God has called you into a cross-cultural marriage, he will use your partner's culture to be a balance and blessing to you. He gives good gifts and He knows the kind of person and the kind of culture that is a perfect complement to you. Trust Him to help you overcome the special challenges that are associated with such a marriage. Believe Him to make the two of you into a complementary team, "so that with one heart and mouth you may glorify the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ" (Romans 15:6).

You have an opportunity to serve the Lord as a team and to demonstrate to others the biblical model of how Christ can give people unity in the midst of diversity. The cultural diversity in your marriage can bring into your life a new perspective and a depth of understanding that will enhance the effectiveness of your ministry to the nations. You also have the privilege of experiencing a foretaste of that future day when people from every tribe, and tongue, and nation will be gathered together around the throne of God worshiping the Lamb.

--by Larry Ballard. Larry is the International Director of YWAM's Family Ministries. You can reach him at familyministry@netzero.net.

International YWAMer, June-Sept 2006. Topics: